I AM happy??

I know some of my close friends worry (way too much) about me.
This has been, by far, the toughest year of my life.
That being said, I am in a good place, mentally that is.

I am sick.
I am broke.
I am (somtimes) lonely.

But, strange as it may sound, I'm ok.
I am still recovering financially from my (then) husband leaving.
The financial aspect stresses me quite a bit.
But, aside from that, I am OK.

I have 2 absolutely wonderful children.
I love them.
I have made them my life.
I rarely go out, but I"m ok with that.
I would rather be home, spending time with my kids, or a good book.
The bar scene just isn't my thing.

I have learned to CONSTANTLY concentrate on the positives in my life.

I have learned and changed more in this year than I ever have in my 34 years of life.

I have learned that my friends are MY family.
I could NOT have made it thru this without them.

I am HAPPY.

It's not about you, sir....

So alot has happened over the last 9 months since my husband split.
We still work at the same place.
And so does his girlfriend....his very pregnant girlfriend.
To explain the drama that has transpired at my job would take too long.
So, I will just say that lots of (horrible) things have been said and done.
It has exhausted me.
And through it all, I have (somehow) managed to be the bigger person, and keep my mouth shut. (which has been a HUGE deal for me)
But, as I sat in a very unexpected meeting yesterday with 3 supervisors and my (asshole) husband sitting straight across from me, being yelled at and belittled by the "big boss", I reached my breaking point.
I did not argue. I did not disrespect.  But I had seriously had enough.  My silence was going to be broken.
I left that office in tears, crying ( I mean like full-blown-5-year-old-hyperventilating-crying).
Went to my office.  Gathered lots of paperwork, emails, memo's (thank God I trusted my instincts and wrote all that crap down). I sat and broke down, REALLY broke down.
And then I cleaned up my face, called my best friend (who is more like my sister) and headed back to see the "big boss".
I just wanted to talk. I just wanted him to listen. I talked. I cried. Not a sad cry, but a MAD cry.  I showed every paper, email, memo, everything. Laid it all out there.  And I did it for me.
Now, he is a "man" so, of course he didn't "get it".  He kept making comments like: "Well I know you feel you need to explain yourself".  Or "I know you are worried what I think about you personally and as an employee".  Bottom line: It was not about him.  In fact, I wanted to say "I don't give a shit about what you think of me, sir".  This was for me. And only for me. I had been walked on and ran over so many freaking times in the last year that I had to STAND UP for myself. 

He could have fired me, reprimanded me, done anything....It wasn't about that.  I just needed to break my silence.  I needed to prove that I DID NOT DO THIS and no matter what I DID NOT DESERVE THIS and I wasn't being quiet anymore.

Of course my bestie sitting next to me just gave me strength.  And the fact that she was by my side, and that she, too stood up for me (somehow in the 5 seconds I gave her to get her butt up front she managed to show up armed with HER copies of emails and things too) made me feel like I was ok. 

For the first time in 9 long months at my job I was ok.

I was strong again.

I was me again.

It was such a relief to get 9 months worth of weight lifted off my shoulders.

Now, don't get me wrong, this "man" did not, of course, apologize for the previous meeting and for yelling at me.  But I didn't even expect that. I didn't care if he apologized.  I didn't care what he said or thought.  It wasn't about him, or anyone else this time, it was about me.

Just MAD

Today I found out that my husband filed for divorce yesterday.
and that his new girlfriend is pregnant.
5 1/2 months pregnant.
and she has pics of her and him on fb.
with him wearing the shirt i bought him for christmas last year.
and I am crying.
no, more like bawling..for the last hour.
and I am mad.
mad that my life is falling apart.
mad that he keeps getting all the good stuff.
mad that i couldn't fight back my tears.
mad that i am alone.
mad that i have to look at them at work every day.
mad that karma is taking so f***ing long to hit the 2 of them.
Just MAD.

OPEN HOUSE

It's official.
I'm selling my house.
My HOME.
I have no choice I have to do it.
I hate him for this.
I hate myself for allowing him in my life.
I think that of all the things I"ve lost in my life, this will by far be the hardest to let go.

...try, try again.......

My mom told me the other night, thru tears, that she feels like she has failed me.

My "bestie" told me a couple days before that she feels she has failed me.

It's very hard to look at myself in the mirror knowing that MY own failures in life have caused hurt to some of the people that I care about more than anything in this world.

My husband cheated.
He left.
My life is turmoil.
I have a crappy disease.
My finances are indescribable.
My "family" is selfish.
My kids' so-called father is not there for them.
I am doing it alone.

But none of the hurt from any of these things compares to the hurt of knowing that I am failing the people I love the most.
The people who don't deserve it.
They are what keeps me going.
THEY are my "family".

They don't know it, but every day I wake up to start another day and "try again".......because of "them".

Is this my life?

Do you ever just sit back, take a long, hard look at your life and think:

IS THIS SERIOUSLY MY LIFE?????

I am 33 years old......and am seriously in disbelief that this is what my life has become.

Unfreakingbelievable.................

Corporal Narcissist

I'm sure I will be sorry I told this story
so let me just start by saying, this is about my "husband".
Not the cheating, lieing, heartless, piece of shit that he is,
rather the man I thought I was married to....

One night, shortly after we were married he came in the bedroom while I was reading and said he wanted to give me something.  He held up his "dog tags".  He had been in the Marines for several years.  He went on to tell me that he knows he has been married before, and I was always searching for "first" things to do.  (this was kind of hard since I was wifey #4)  So, he told me he had never ever even THOUGHT of giving his beloved "dog tags" to anyone else. Ever. But he knew that we were soulmates and was not a doubt in his mind that we were going to be together forever.  (that just made me throw-up in my mouth) So, he gave them to me.  Told me to keep them forever, no matter what.  Even if, God forbid, we ever were apart, there were mine. 

I am a total naive dumbass, so of course this meant the world to me.  I wore them around my neck to bed that night.  I had them hanging on my side of the dresser mirror so I could see them everyday and remember what he had said......

The day I finally got sick and tired of all his CRAP being in my house, the day I finally "let go" and realized I could NOT let him back in my life, (this was somewhere between finding out about girl #2 and #3)  I packed all of his belongings.....including the dog tags....and I cried for a long, long, time after I put them in his box.

Yesterday morning I went to work, parked in the same spot I have been parking for nearly 13 years.  As I was walking across the parking lot, I walked right by "her" vehicle.....and as I walked by, the sun was glaring off something on "her" windshield....I looked closer, it was something hanging off of "her" rear view mirror.

It was my "husbands" dog tags.  I felt like I had been punched in the gut.  Like day 1 of him leaving, all over again.  And then I was mad at myself, for even being the slightest bit shocked, or hurt.  But unlike my "husband"  I have a heart.  I, unfortunately have feelings.  My life and marriage to him was not a lie, to me.  I walked in, with my head down, praying quietly to myself that maybe something good would happen thru the day, maybe the skirt of her dress would get caught in the sliding doors and rip it off revealing her braless and pantyless, nasty self......And I would very kindly offer her my socks?  Or maybe I would just offer to call my "husband" to come help her out....

What I've learned this week

I have learned alot this week just trying to live life. 
Here are a few of my lessons learned:

1.  I am SICK of the rain.
2.  There are actually still a few good people left in the world.
3.  I am not nearly as excited about home renovations as I used to be.
4.  A long, hot shower can fix most everything....besides my checkbook.
5.  Psych drugs are a MIRACLE.
6.  Pecan pie blizzard ice cream cake from DQ is HEAVEN.
7.  The "dr's solution" to retaining fluid is to drink more water.  ?????
8.  Much of my internalized anger comes from women having babies and not being a MOTHER.
9.  I have missed late night heart-to-hearts with my dad more than I realized.
10.  The most important thing I learned this week:  DO NOT take sleeping pills and laxative pills in the same night.......(seriously)

Recipes.....

So I have like 6,000 recipes (I may be exagerrating a bit) that are all written on....pretty much anything and everything. 
post-it-notes
envelopes
bills
napkins
a birthday card (sorry mom)

You name it, if it's able to be written on, it's probably stuffed inside one of my cook books.
But, now my cookbooks are stuffed disturbingly full.
And now I have a stack...maybe a pile, of "recipes".

I always get sidetracked looking for a recipe (which takes for EVER in my unorganized mess anyways).
See, some of these are insanely old.  I have the recipe for potato salad, sloppily written on the back of a grocery list.  I can still remember talking to my mom on the phone, writing it down.  It was when I was with my kids' dad, before we were married.  (side note: I also remember we had company over for a bbq that night and they teased me about my "smashed potatoe salad"....yeah, over cooked the tators just a bit)  I can't remember what the heck I did yesterday, but I can pour over these recipes reminiscing about who I got them from and who I fixed it for and how many times it took me to perfect it.

I need my very creative friend to help me think of something to do with them....I'm sure she can come up with some thrifty idea with all the thrifty shopping she's been doing... :)

3 months........

It's been over 3 months since he left.
I thought I would be better.
I thought I would pull it all together by now.
But, instead, I sit and watch as my life falls apart, piece by piece.....

I have books I was so excited to read....
i dont read them
I have a blog I was so excited to write in......
i dont blog
I have new recipes I couldn't wait to try.....
i dont even cook
I was saving money for things I was excited to buy.....
i have no money now

My son hates me.
My daughter is lost without me.
My family is clueless as to what I'm going thru.
I'm losing or on the verge of losing the things I worked so hard for.
I am sad......lonely.........and tired.

I have learned that the only thing worse than being lonely, is being lonely while you watch your husband and his new girlfriend, together, happy, at my job..........

I just want my life back.
I want to read.
I want to blog.
I want to cook.
I want to spend time with my kids. Happy times.
I want my tears to stop and to just be able to breath......
I want to stop struggling. And starting over.

I want the darkness to go away and the sun to come back out.

Family

This is the 1st Easter ever in my 33 years of life I spent alone.
My kids went with their dad to their Grandmother's.
There's alot of drama going on in my family right now.
Which, given my current circumstances, I have decided to remove myself from.
But it's hard.
My dad was my best friend.
I talked to him daily.
Now we dont speak at all.
Normally my kids and i would be having Easter dinner at my dad's house with my brother.
Not this year.
Not one phone call.
No happy easter or how ya doing.
nothing...........
But, ironically, I'm ok with it.
I figure if it keeps up thru Christmas it will save me a ton of money on gifts. :)
Happy EASTER!

I need you now more than ever..............

I am hurting.
Worse than I can ever remember hurting in my life.
I am hurting the people I care about the most.
I don't know why.
I used to be so strong.
But I'm tired.
I don't want to be alone anymore.
I don't want to hurt anyone I care about anymore.
I don't want my heart to hurt anymore.
I want my life back. Before him.

IT's not you.

Why does everyone always use the phrase "it's not you"?
That 's what my husband said, the day after I caught him with the 'other' woman.
"It's not you Maggie, it's me. I'm screwed up".
Well, I'm not gonna argue that point.
But, I read back through emails and blogs, not from him, but from my friends and family.
I write how I'm at my wit's end trying to deal with my son.
What am I doing wrong? "it's not you, Maggie"
Why can't I do ANYTHING right, why does every single thing I touch seem to get screwed up?
"it's not you, Maggie".
I think it's the ghost. You know, when you were a kid and your dad would look at you and your brother and asked: Who spilled the milk, damnit?  It was neither of us, of course. So dad would always refer to some ghost we must have living in our house that always did the bad stuff.
So, if it's not me, and it's not them, I must have a ghost.
I am tired of you, ghost. You have haunted me for 33 long years now. Please leave me alone.

We don't want you here.

My entie life I have felt like a burden or a nuissance maybe, to pretty much everyone.
I have always felt different.
Like I don't belong.........anywhere.
I have never felt loved.
I have never had security.
I thought I had found all of that in my husband.
Deep down, I knew it was too good to be true.
But I just wanted to enjoy it, every last minute of it.
He left me Saturday, for the second time, for yet another woman.
Of course my heart is shattered and all that crap you don't wanna hear about.
But I replay the things he has said to me over and over in my head.
And i realize.
I was a burden and a nuissance to him too.
I let go. I let my walls down. I gave him 100% of me.
And now I feel like the biggest jackass on the face of the earth.
Here I sit, 33 years old, getting ready to embark on the journey of my 2nd divorce.
I know that people just try to be nice, but all the kind things they say just irritate me sometimes.
Not at them for saying them, of course.
"dont worry, you will find happiness"
"you are a beautiful woman, you would be a joy for anyone to have in their life".
you get the point.
If I were this person that they try to convince me I am, I wouldn't be sitting here in this situation. Again.
But here's the thing. It's the same now as when I was tiny.
I don't fit in. Yes, they are my friends and I love them dearly, but they all have their own families and their own lives.
My dad just got custody of his step grandkids. Our relationship is...........non existent.
My brother is married with 2 step kids and a job he spends most of his life at. Our relationship is an email or text here and there.
Just when I got to the point for the first time in my life I was actually comfortable in my own skin.
He took it all away from me.
And here i sit, alone, tired, ugly.
Fighting the urge to give up, but not finding the strength anymore.
Because he is right. I am nothing but a burden.

heart

I don't want lots of money.
I want my children to be happy and healthy.
I want to succeed at my job.
I want people to see that no matter how tough I act on the outside, I am a complete different person on the inside. HUGE heart. Caring, sensitive. Nothing I wouldn't do for you.
I just want security.
I want when someone stares me in my eyes and promises to be by my side forever, for them to uphold that to the fullest extent, as would I.
I don't want to be lonely.
I don't want to do it by myself anymore.
I want to be happy, content, and loved.
Apparently I just don't deserve it. Or just can't figure out how to keep it.
I live and breathe for my 2 kids. No one else. Nothing else. They are the only 2 things keeping my heart beating.

What am i doing wrong?

My nearly 15 year old son is acting out.
He has autism/asperger syndrome, blah blah blah.
I have always taken 100% care of him, above and beyond.
He is acting out. At home. At school. Everywhere. Except with his "dad".
I have "stepped it up" recently (or at least I thought I had)
More doctor appointments.
More medicine changes.
Now in therapy.
Talking to the school constantly.
He told me tonight I am the reason his life is miserable.
I know he's just a kid. A special kid.
But words can hurt.
I want and need some support with this so bad I can't even stand it.
I feel alone.
It's affecting my job.
It's affecting my marriage.
It's affecting my daughter.
It is affecting ME. bad.very.bad.
In a perfect world, my spouse would be supportive and non-judgemental of me trying deal with my special needs child.
In a perfect world, there would be some type of support for me.
In a perfect world, I could fix Josh. I have always figured things out. Not working for me this time.
And then there's always the ex, my son's sperm donor.
Always positive and helpful telling me how "shitty and pathetic" i am with my mothering skills.
Just the boost i needed.
I feel like a failure at this point in my life more than any other. and that is saying ALOT.
What am I doing wrong............................

t.i.r.e.d.

I am tired.

I am hurt.

I am exhauseted from trying.

I just want to be happy.

I just want to be loved.

I just want the security that you will always be here.

I NEED the security that someone will always be here.

I want to quit.

I want to give up.

I can't believe this is happening to me.

I don't deserve it.

I don't know how much more I can take.

I don't know how much more my heart can take.

You are ripping me apart, piece by piece.....

I don't even know who I am anymore.

I can't breathe. I can't think. I can't understand.

I just want to be content. Why is it SO much to freaking ask.

What is wrong with me..................

EXCITED!!

I am SUPER DUPER excited!
Our therapist has set us up with another family that she sees.
They are about our age, and they have a 13 year old son that has Autism/Asperger's.
This probably doesn't seem like a big deal, but it is!
I do not know ANYONE with an Aspie child.
She tells me he has alot in common with my Josh.
He has alot of social skills issues which, in turn, makes it nearly impossible for them to make friends.
So, I am calling the "mom" tomorrow. We will chat. Exchange the boys' phone numbers.
They are going to chat. Hopefully they will hit it off and then we are going to meet for pizza or bowling or something so the boys can hang out and me and "mom" can get some much needed emotional support!
I sooooooo hope that we all CLICK and this is the start of something awesome.
It gets kind of lonely when you have no one that understands what you or your child are going thru.
I have searched and waited for something like this for a very long time.
Keep your fingers crossed for us and I will update soon!!

What's the LAW??

Does anyone know what, or if, there is an actual "law" about raising kids?
I mean, really?
My kids act like I HAVE to do things.
Like I owe them or something?
I carried them around in my stomach for...ok, well around 8 months.
I have the stretch marks.
I have the sun-dried-raisin boobs.
I have the hips.
I CAN PROVE IT.
They say things like: what's for supper mom? (about 3 seconds after I get home from work)
I say: nothing.
They say: You can't do that, it's the law.
Excuse me? I'm not an attorney or anything but I've never read an official "law" that says: You must feed your children 3 home cooked meals a day.
Have you guys seen this?
They say: Well then why do we have to do what YOU tell us to do?
I say: Um, duh, because I own you!?
They say: You can't own people.
I say: The hell I can't!
And all my war wounds are my receipt. Don't cross me or I WILL exchange you for a cuter, quieter, less hungry one.

IF

If you read my blog, at all, ever--could you please leave me a comment so I know?
I'm bout ready to give up :(  I'm getting lonely.

~HAIR~

This was my assignment for LAST week. Sorry I'm late, ladies...
I hate my hair.
Most of us do.
Women complain about their hair constantly.
All of us.
If it's curly, we wish it were straight.
If it's thick, we wish it were thin.
But what people don't realize is just how DANGEROUS hair can be.
I'm not exagerratting here.
Don't laugh, it's true.
I have EXTREMELY thick hair.
I call it "horse hair".
TONS of it.
I don't know how I have so much because it falls out constantly.
That's right people, just like a dog, I shed all year round....
There is MY hair on everything.
I mean, really, just stop and think about how much damage one hair can do!
You get a wonderful meal that your tummy has been patiently waiting for....
It looks YUMM-O.....
You lick your lips, pick up your fork, and BAM-----HAIR in your food.
Meal ruined.
Tummy pissed off.
Take today, for example.....
Sitting at work, coworker in my office....
ITCHY back. I mean SERIOUS itch.
Right in the middle.
Can't reach it.
Look like a hormonal monkey TRYING to reach it.
I put lotion on this morning! WTF.
Get home, take shirt off, HAIR stuck on my bra.
Do you see my point here, that ONE stupid hair ruined my ENTIRE day.
My hair is SO annoying, so thick and tough.
It could literally strangle a toddler if manipulated the right way!
My hair could MURDER someone and I wouldn't even know it!
Ok, so you get my point here.
Quit complaining about your hair and realize just how DANGEROUS this situation is.
I say that we all ban together, pull a Brittney and shave our heads.
All the men do it, so why can't we?
Good luck, and PLEASE be careful!

Growing up?

I remember, way too vividly, how hard it was growing up.

I know you've all heard it, but if I could go back and know what I know now.....wow my life would be different.

Now, I am a mother. I am responsible for 2 little lives. It literally scares the sh** out of me when I sit down and think about it.

When they were babies, I could not wait for the milestones. Hurry up and sit, walk, talk (what the f was I thinking??)

Now they are almost 13 and 15. She is going into junior high and he into high school.

I want to trade places. I want to save them. I know what they are going thru and what lies ahead.

Growing up, especially through the teenage years, is, in my opinion, the worst thing to go thru.

I'm not ready to let go. I'm not ready to let them go.

As much as I feel bad for them, I am on a pitty potty for myself. How will I live thru the hormones, the peer pressure, the decisions they make when I am not around.

Josh has Asperger's. Will he actually "grow up"?

Roo is so happy, creative, and smart. I want her to stay that way.

She has goals. She is motivated. I don't want boys, or any other stupid teenage thing, to derail her attention.

I had such a hard time growing up. And I am still growing, every single day. I still make mistakes, I still learn from them every single day. I still have days that I want to be 2 and throw myself on the floor, kicking and screaming. But I am a MOM now. I have these 2 young people depending on me 100%. 

Growing up....yes they are..........way too fast for my liking.......I just want to do a good job. I want to know when they are grown that I can send them into the world with knowledge, morals, and values. I want them to grow up to be happy, healthy, productive, successful people.  If I had to be honest, I don't want them to grow up at all. But that's the circle of life and I have no choice. I just hope and pray that I made their extremely difficult ride of GROWING UP just a little bit easier and a tad more fun :)

Nightmares?

I had a horrible dream last night which i suppose would be called a nightmare.
it woke me up--straight out of bed---drenched in sweat--scared to death.
i dreamt my dad was in an accident while we were following behind him.
his body was thrown into the frozen river.
my husband pulled him out. he was dead.
it was 1:32am when i woke up. i had to get out of bed, try to pull myself together.
it was so real. so real it's as if i actually know what it would feel like for him to die, watching helplessly.
i wanted to call. maybe this was a sign. was he ok? was he sick? maybe he was having heart problems? (he has a bad heart)
i called as soon as i woke up. i asked how he slept. he said horrible.
he said he woke up at 1:30am and couldn't get back to sleep.
he got up, got a drink, and ate cheese and crackers.
i could've called, he was up at the exact same time i was.
this dream, this feeling of not having my dad, my friend, my kids' friend and grandfather has ached inside of me all day long.  i was never able to shake it.
why did i dream this? what was it a sign of?
his grumbling tummy?
i just know how good it felt to hear his voice answer the phone this morning.
i hope he sleeps well tonight. i hope he knows how much he means to me.
i hope he knows my life would be a nightmare without him in it.
(i love you, dad)

My favorite things.....

Yes i'm copying off my bestest buddy's blog.
i'm going to name some of my "pet peeves"
so i thought i would mention some of my favorite things so it wouldn't look like all i do is complain :)

Dear Starbucks,

I LOVE your mocha frapuccino with my entire heart.
and with every single teeny tiny taste bud in my mouth.
my mouth thanks you.
my thighs hate you.
please dont ever leave me.

Love, a very caffeinated me :)

Follow me?

How come no one follows my blog?
Am I just boring?
I have a stat counter so I know SOMEONE is reading my blog-but I only have 4 followers, and 2 of them are the same person :(
Is it not funny? Not interesting?
You can tell me, I'm a big girl, I can take it.
Any advice on why my blog is such a "non-follower" would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks in advance.

Lonely blogger.......

broken

i speak
you don't hear me

i cry
you don't see my tears

i worry
you don't reassure me

i grieve
you don't console me

i lean
you don't hold me

i hurt
you don't make me feel better

i am scared
you don't care

i fall
you don't catch me

i break
you don't try to fix me.

Wedding Ring

Today my hubby and i went shopping for wedding rings.
You see, mine had an "unfortunate accident" and I haven't had it for a few months.
So, we go to several different places.
I'm not a shopper, I'm nearly shopped out.
We go to the mall.
My husband goes to Kay's Jewelry.
I wasn't expecting this, it caught me off guard.
We look and look and I'm thinking: how beautiful.....too much money....but they're all so gorgeous....
I narrow it down to 5....4....3....2.
I try them on, look at them under the bright lights, out under the sky light.
They are so gorgeous.
Too much money.
But we are just looking.
Maybe he will surprise me with a ring similar to these one day.
He picks which one he likes better, luckily it was the one I liked the most.
It was so hard to choose. Hundreds of unbelievably gorgeous rings.
But I'm just choosing for my "wish list".
We are just "looking".
..........and I found  the PERFECT one.

Although this ring is awesome, gorgeous, perfect....
I don't deserve it.
I don't deserve my husband, either.
He is the bright spot in my day.
He gives me something to look forward to when I wake up.
He loves me.
He doesn't judge me.
I don't deserve him, or the ring.
But he bought it for me.
I cannot believe he bought me this unbelievably perfect, absolutely precious ring.
I know he knows I'm happy, but he will never know how happy I am today.
This ring may not be my original, but it still means alot to me.
He said it was because I deserved it.
That meant the world to me.
It wasn't the size or the price.
I simply wanted a ring on my finger because I am so proud to be married to this man.
And now I have the perfect, gorgeous WEDDING RING to represent my perfect, gorgeous HUSBAND.
It represents our marriage, going thru rough times, but learning and growing with each step.
Our marriage gets better every day.
Our bond grows stronger each day.
I love him more each day.
I am so blessed.
Thank you baby.  You are the best.

Me and my bright ideas...

So I have ideas all the time, but try to keep them to myself.
This time I didn't.
I thought I would explain what I plan to do.
About once a week or so, my best friend, my daughter and myself are going to write a blog.
We are going to take turns thinking of the name of a title and that's it.
We all have to write our own blog, w/out reading the other's until we are done.
So, just a warning that it starts tonight.
Hope you enjoy, I know we will.  :)

Do I?

Ok, so last night shopping and I found this ring.
A little out of my price range.
But, guess what? It's on sale.
I mean, like 60% off sale!
I keep alluding to the fact that I want this ring.
It's not expensive, by any means.
But, the hubby says no. Not now.
After pouting, coming home, looking it up online....
I see the sale is over TODAY.
So, I'm thinking I'm going to go and get it today.
Period. End of story.
It's my money too. I can do what I want, right?
I love this ring, but don't know if it's worth a fight.
So, the question is, do I let it go?
Or do I buy it?

My LIFE

Today i am sad
not sure why
i should be glad
instead i want to cry.

I love my family so much
all i want is for them to be happy
when things get screwed up
it makes me feel crappy.

So many things to do
so much on my plate
i often feel neglected, too
things are too busy, i must wait.

So much to take care of
marriage, finance, work, & kids
money seems to quickly run out
makes me wonder what the point is.

Laundry, dishes, meals to cook
same stuff day after day
all i want is to read my book
but i can't seem to stay awake.

Everyone has bad days
no need to sit and pout
tomorrow will be better, i say
no need to argue or shout.

No matter how much effort it takes
my goal is to be a good mom and wife
and no matter what happens today
i am blessed and i love MY LIFE.

WISH LIST

I guess because of the holidays and the new year, it's got me thinking alot about things I'd like to have.
So I have decided to post my "wish list" that I generally keep to myself.
These are things that are "wishes".
Which means the chances of me getting them are slim to none.
 I wish I had:

     1. New socks. You know, ones that don't have holes in them.

     2.  A new baster. Like for turkeys. The one I was using was my mom's from like 600 years ago and,
          lets just say, I had to trash it.

     3.  A Kindle. If you don't know what this is, I suggest you look on Amazon.com. If you like to read, like I
          do, this thing is the BOMB!

     4.  I would like a starbucks store right here in this rinky, dinky town. I could have fresh, yummy coffee
           and  frappuccino's anytime I wanted.

     5.  I would like a very high efficiency washer and dryer. I feel like I live in the laundry room. My husband
          says we will never have separate bedrooms but he doesn't realize, we already do, mine is in the  
          laundry room, though.

     6.  I would like for my kids to be cute, little babies again.  This whole teenager thing is not working for   
          me.

      7. I would like a "bathroom fairy". You know, she could fly around the bathrrom and each time a boy
          leaves she could hang up the towel, wipe out the toothpaste, put the toilet seat down, etc. I anticipate 
          this to  make my life MUCH easier.

      8. I would like a few extra rooms in my house.  Just refer to number 6 for my reasons.

      9. I would like my husband to quit breathing............SO LOUDLY.

    10. I would like a brand spanking new pair of NIKE Shox. (instead of Marissa's hand-me-downs)

So everyone keep their fingers crossed for me and my wish list! Fat chance I'm ever getting any of these things but, hey, can't a girl dream?  :)

Barbie

My wonderful husband has a pet name for me:  BARBIE
Although flattering, it makes no sense to me at all.
I have never seen a barbie with:
     bown hair (with grey roots of course)
     green eyes
     wrinkles
     stretch marks
     a huge butt
     5 foot 4 inches
     a little extra in the tummy
     ok, alot extra in the tummy
     and in the arms
     and the thighs
     ok, pretty much a little extra everywhere
     small, deflated, a little lower than they were, kahoonas. (I apologize if u just got a visual)
    

So, my friends and I were discussing this on fb and we decided that a doll  like this should be invented.

I don't really know who the heck would buy such a thing.
And I would hate to traumatize little girls around the world.
Heck, they would be our last generation, as that would be like permanent birth control!

So, to my husband, I have NO CLUE why you often refer to me as Barbie.
But I've stopped questioning it everytime you say it.
Now I just pretend I do look like her.
And I feel my self esteem rising.
Until I glance in the mirror as I'm getting in the shower.

    

Dirty Laundry

It is a tradition that I have always done.
Every year I get the kids an ornament for Christmas.
I try to get something they did or enjoyed during that year.
It is so much fun to decorate the tree each year and see all the memories.
This year Joshua got a lawn mower. (Brian taught him how to mow)
Marissa got Hoops & Yo Yo (because she loves those cards & it was silly, like her)
Ian got Ben Ten (because he loves him, this year)
And I got.....................

Yep, that is a washing machine. 
You see, I spend more time in the laundry room than anywhere.
3 kids, me and Brian, there's a ton of laundry.
This is pretty much most of my spare time.
It's sad, but funny, at the same time.
This is my memory of this year.
Dirty Laundry.

Something to think about....

My bestest, dearest friend sent something to me today. 
I love her.
I love that she always thinks about me.
I love her values.
I love her morals.
I love that she makes her marriage a priority.
I love things like this that encourage you to focus on the positives in your life.
Words that make you stop and appreciate those you have.
I am so glad I have "Kristian" in my life.
I probably would have never gotten married again, and definitely wouldn't still be married if it weren't for her and her friendship.
So I will share this great advice:

*One day a woman's husband died, and on that clear, cold morning, in the warmth of their bedroom, the wife was struck with the pain of learning that sometimes there isn't "anymore". No more hugs, no more special moments to celebrate together, no more phone calls just to chat, no more "just one minute." Sometimes, what we care about the most gets all used up and goes away, never to return before we can say good-bye, say "I love you."*


*So while we have it, it's best we love it, care for it, fix it when it's broken and heal it when it's sick. This is true for marriage......And old cars..... And children with bad report cards, and dogs with bad hips, and aging parents and grandparents. We keep them because they are worth it, because we are worth it.*

One request

Dear Winter,

I realize "hate" is not a good word.
So I will say I very strongly dislike you.
I am tired of the cold.
I am tired of the snow.
PLEASE go away, and VERY soon.
Thanks, in advance.

Too much sickness.

Ok, so I get a call at work today from the school nurse, Marissa is sick.
I go pick her up, get her home, in her jammies, puke bucket in tow.

She starts getting sick, meanwhile the phone rings.
It's the school.
Ian is sick. Feels like he's gonna throw up.

OMG are you freaking kidding me? As if one sick kid isn't enough, now I got 2!! SERIOUSLY???

I was tempted to call the other school from my cell to see if I needed to just pick up Josh while I was out.

I can handle most anything, but the puke bothers me a bit.

This is just TOO MUCH right now. Holy cow. :(

My Cheerleader

There is so much to say about my daughter, Marissa, (A.K.A. Roo) I don't even know where to start.
So I'll start at the beginning.
Marissa was my 2nd child, my baby.
She came early and even tho they tried to stop my labor, she insisted.
Little did I know that this was a sign of what was to come.
Marissa is very complex and was very difficult as a baby and toddler.
She had colic

She cried for hours, and I am not exagerrating.

I learned very early that I had met my match with her.

She was very independent and strong willed.
I thought she was in the "terrible two's".
I'm telling ya, this was the kid you see in the store throwing herself on the floor kicking and screaming.
I remember on her 3rd birthday I sit there, exhausted as always, thinking:
She's 3 today so the "terrible two's" are going to end.....soon..........right??
Nope.
We had the terrible 4's, the terrible 5's, etc....
I am happy to report she is 12 1/2 now and I could not ask for a better daughter.
Sometimes it is hard to keep the role of "mom" in mind, as she often seems like my best friend.
She is very motherly.
You would never know she is the "little sister" as she is always taking care of her older brother.
He has Autism/Asperger Syndrome and she helps me more than I ever imagined.
When I am gone, she is in charge.
She cooks, she pours chocolate milk, she keeps him safe.
She also takes very good care of her step brother, Ian.
Marissa has the best laugh and smile you could ever imagine.
She is so beautiful and when she smiles it melts my heart.
She has the absolute funniest laugh.
I am constantly doing/saying things to make her laugh, just so I can see her wide-mouthed cackle.
Love it.
She has loved cheerleading since I can even remember.
She used to look at my high school pic's and tell me: Mommy I am going to be a cheerleader just like you were.
And she is. She has been doing it ever since.
I always thought she was pretty good at it, but thought maybe I was just being "mom prejudiced".
She started taking cheerleading at dance class.
Her first recital as a cheerleader, the teacher came up and talked to me.
She said, "She is VERY good".
I asked, "do you think she will be good enough to make the squad in high school?"
She replied: "Are you kidding me, I'm not just telling you that, she is the best in my entire class".
And it was a BIG class.
I teared up I was so proud.
Marissa is so smart, literally.
She makes all A's. Only one B in her life, so far.
She has held a 4.0 grade average all year. So proud.
She is extremely creative, and i have no idea where she gets this from.
She draws, paints, scrapbooks, you name it, and she's always good at it.
We laugh so much together.
We sing and dance in the car, alone, together.
We change the words of songs to something silly.
We cook together.
We shop together.
I try to do all the things with MY daughter that I always wanted.
It makes me feel better.
It heals my wounds, slowly, from the sadness of my mom being so far away.
We talk about girl stuff.
I don't think she tells me everything, but she tells me alot.
I'm sure she doesn't realize it, but all of those "secret" conversations mean more to me than she'll ever know.
She is a blond. Sometimes an air head.
She doesn't pay attention.
She runs into things. (and usually cracks herself up)
She is a germ-a-phobe like me.
She must have things a certain way, all the time.
She is a perfectionist, and this makes me worry, as life isn't always going to allow things to be perfect.
She has big dreams of going to college and making something great out of her life.
There is no doubt in my mind that she will.
I could not possibly imagine my life without my Roo.
If I cry, she cries.
If I laugh, she laughs.
If I worry, she worries.

My daughter.

She is loving.
She is kind.
She is caring.
She is hilarious.
She is smart.
She is independent.
She is beautiful.
She is encouraging.
She is My Cheerleader.

Resolutions.......ughhh

So it's a new year.
You know what that means: resolutions.

So I have 2 this year:
1. To be a better wife & make my marriage my priority.
2. To get my finances in line & more organized.

So, it looks like I will be getting a 2nd job to assist with both of my resolutions.
If you don't hear from me, now you will know why.

Happy New Year!

My Announcer

Wow, there is so much to say about my son, Joshua.
He was my first born.

I knew he was special from the moment I laid eyes on his little 5lb self.
Joshua was the best baby you could have.
He was loving, sweet, kind, and very smart.
When Josh was 3 he was diagnosed with Autism.
He was later diagnosed with, more specifically, Asperger's Syndrome.
Joshua struggles just to get thru every single day.
You see, to Joshua the world is very "black and white".
He has alot of "social issues", which is a part of Asperger's Syndrome.
He has trouble making friends.
His mind isn't keeping up with his growing body.
He looks like a 14 1/2 year old on the outside.
But is much like a 5 or 6 year old on the inside.
Most Autistic kids get obsessed with something and revolve their life around it.
Joshua's obsession is Nascar and has been as long as I can remember.
He can't remember how to tie his shoes.
But he can tell you every driver, their #, their sponsor.
He can tell you racing facts that date back, before he was born, to the beginning of racing.
There is no racing trivia question he has ever been asked that he did not know the answer to.
It's amazing. And annoying, at times.
Joshua is scared of most things.
He is very worried about getting hurt, his sensory's feel things about 10 times what we would feel them.
So, if he gets a paper cut, you would think by his reaction he needed his finger amputated.
Seriously.
He loves the weather, constantly keeping an eye on the weather channel.
He has spent alot of time worrying about a "natural disaster" taking us all out.
"Mom, don't you worry that we will have a Tsunami here?"
"How do u guys sleep at night not knowing if we will all be wiped out from a Tornado??"
Yes, he has filled my life with lots of crazy questions.
And you can't blow him off, you have to sit down and explain why we are NOT going to have a Tsunami in Missouri.  :)
With him being scared of everything, he is too scared to ride or drive in a Nascar.
So he has decided he is going to be an "announcer".
You know, like the ones you see announcing the races on tv.
I gotta tell ya, he would make a great one.
He has a table/racetrack my dad built him several years ago.
He spends the majority of his day in his room, alone, driving those cars around that track and "announcing".
He is unbelievably good at it.
I ask him, if you're too afraid to fly, and you say you never want to drive, how will you get to all these races?
He looks at me stupidly and says, "well you're going to drive me, Mom".
Ok, seriously....is this how I'm going to spend my retirement?
The last couple years have been extremely hard on Josh and myself.
He is in the Jr high/high school now and he hates it.
He tells me everyday how much he hates it.
He cries alot. He is depressed.
He tells me no one likes him, no one will talk to him because he's "different".
I would have to say the absolute worst feeling in the world is seeing your own child go thru the things he has went thru in the last couple of years.
The kids know he's different now.
So, instead of trying to help him, they tease and bully him.
I try to build up his self confidence.
I tell him, just ignore them because one day they will be jealous when they see you on tv announcing races.
He has been asking alot of questions to me lately about what's wrong with him and why he's "different".
This is hard. He is figuring out he's not the same as the other kids.
He doesn't understand why or how he was dealt these cards.
And neither do I.
The first time we ever visited the woman that would become his official "Autism Doctor" for the next several years she gave me the best advice I would ever receive:
She said I was beginning a battle, the biggest battle I would ever see in my life.  I was Joshua's warrior. He cannot fight for himself, so you have to fight the battle for him.  Cry, be sad, get your grieving and pity over with now.  Then, pull yourself up, put your big girl panties on and fight for your child.  Because he cannot fight this battle alone.  Your will to fight for him will determine the rest of his life.
.............and that is exactly what I DID and have DONE ever since.
There is nothing in this world I would not do to protect him.
He is my son.
He is my first born.
He is the sunshine in my day.
He is special because God chose him to be.
He is MY ANNOUNCER.

I Miss You :(

It was a stupid, careless mistake that was made. (by my husband, of course)
And my beautiful, gorgeous, stunning wedding ring set was GONE.

He proposed to me with the engagement ring.
He put the band on my finger the day we got married.
I loved that ring.
He picked it out all by himself, which made it even more special.
It was PERFECT.

Now it is gone......Forever.........And I miss it like crazy.

And I wonder, does it make me "vain" because I want another SO bad?

This is one loss I don't think I will ever get over.

I think I need grief counseling.