I am hurting.
Worse than I can ever remember hurting in my life.
I am hurting the people I care about the most.
I don't know why.
I used to be so strong.
But I'm tired.
I don't want to be alone anymore.
I don't want to hurt anyone I care about anymore.
I don't want my heart to hurt anymore.
I want my life back. Before him.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
IT's not you.
Why does everyone always use the phrase "it's not you"?
That 's what my husband said, the day after I caught him with the 'other' woman.
"It's not you Maggie, it's me. I'm screwed up".
Well, I'm not gonna argue that point.
But, I read back through emails and blogs, not from him, but from my friends and family.
I write how I'm at my wit's end trying to deal with my son.
What am I doing wrong? "it's not you, Maggie"
Why can't I do ANYTHING right, why does every single thing I touch seem to get screwed up?
"it's not you, Maggie".
I think it's the ghost. You know, when you were a kid and your dad would look at you and your brother and asked: Who spilled the milk, damnit? It was neither of us, of course. So dad would always refer to some ghost we must have living in our house that always did the bad stuff.
So, if it's not me, and it's not them, I must have a ghost.
I am tired of you, ghost. You have haunted me for 33 long years now. Please leave me alone.
That 's what my husband said, the day after I caught him with the 'other' woman.
"It's not you Maggie, it's me. I'm screwed up".
Well, I'm not gonna argue that point.
But, I read back through emails and blogs, not from him, but from my friends and family.
I write how I'm at my wit's end trying to deal with my son.
What am I doing wrong? "it's not you, Maggie"
Why can't I do ANYTHING right, why does every single thing I touch seem to get screwed up?
"it's not you, Maggie".
I think it's the ghost. You know, when you were a kid and your dad would look at you and your brother and asked: Who spilled the milk, damnit? It was neither of us, of course. So dad would always refer to some ghost we must have living in our house that always did the bad stuff.
So, if it's not me, and it's not them, I must have a ghost.
I am tired of you, ghost. You have haunted me for 33 long years now. Please leave me alone.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
We don't want you here.
My entie life I have felt like a burden or a nuissance maybe, to pretty much everyone.
I have always felt different.
Like I don't belong.........anywhere.
I have never felt loved.
I have never had security.
I thought I had found all of that in my husband.
Deep down, I knew it was too good to be true.
But I just wanted to enjoy it, every last minute of it.
He left me Saturday, for the second time, for yet another woman.
Of course my heart is shattered and all that crap you don't wanna hear about.
But I replay the things he has said to me over and over in my head.
And i realize.
I was a burden and a nuissance to him too.
I let go. I let my walls down. I gave him 100% of me.
And now I feel like the biggest jackass on the face of the earth.
Here I sit, 33 years old, getting ready to embark on the journey of my 2nd divorce.
I know that people just try to be nice, but all the kind things they say just irritate me sometimes.
Not at them for saying them, of course.
"dont worry, you will find happiness"
"you are a beautiful woman, you would be a joy for anyone to have in their life".
you get the point.
If I were this person that they try to convince me I am, I wouldn't be sitting here in this situation. Again.
But here's the thing. It's the same now as when I was tiny.
I don't fit in. Yes, they are my friends and I love them dearly, but they all have their own families and their own lives.
My dad just got custody of his step grandkids. Our relationship is...........non existent.
My brother is married with 2 step kids and a job he spends most of his life at. Our relationship is an email or text here and there.
Just when I got to the point for the first time in my life I was actually comfortable in my own skin.
He took it all away from me.
And here i sit, alone, tired, ugly.
Fighting the urge to give up, but not finding the strength anymore.
Because he is right. I am nothing but a burden.
I have always felt different.
Like I don't belong.........anywhere.
I have never felt loved.
I have never had security.
I thought I had found all of that in my husband.
Deep down, I knew it was too good to be true.
But I just wanted to enjoy it, every last minute of it.
He left me Saturday, for the second time, for yet another woman.
Of course my heart is shattered and all that crap you don't wanna hear about.
But I replay the things he has said to me over and over in my head.
And i realize.
I was a burden and a nuissance to him too.
I let go. I let my walls down. I gave him 100% of me.
And now I feel like the biggest jackass on the face of the earth.
Here I sit, 33 years old, getting ready to embark on the journey of my 2nd divorce.
I know that people just try to be nice, but all the kind things they say just irritate me sometimes.
Not at them for saying them, of course.
"dont worry, you will find happiness"
"you are a beautiful woman, you would be a joy for anyone to have in their life".
you get the point.
If I were this person that they try to convince me I am, I wouldn't be sitting here in this situation. Again.
But here's the thing. It's the same now as when I was tiny.
I don't fit in. Yes, they are my friends and I love them dearly, but they all have their own families and their own lives.
My dad just got custody of his step grandkids. Our relationship is...........non existent.
My brother is married with 2 step kids and a job he spends most of his life at. Our relationship is an email or text here and there.
Just when I got to the point for the first time in my life I was actually comfortable in my own skin.
He took it all away from me.
And here i sit, alone, tired, ugly.
Fighting the urge to give up, but not finding the strength anymore.
Because he is right. I am nothing but a burden.
Monday, March 15, 2010
heart
I don't want lots of money.
I want my children to be happy and healthy.
I want to succeed at my job.
I want people to see that no matter how tough I act on the outside, I am a complete different person on the inside. HUGE heart. Caring, sensitive. Nothing I wouldn't do for you.
I just want security.
I want when someone stares me in my eyes and promises to be by my side forever, for them to uphold that to the fullest extent, as would I.
I don't want to be lonely.
I don't want to do it by myself anymore.
I want to be happy, content, and loved.
Apparently I just don't deserve it. Or just can't figure out how to keep it.
I live and breathe for my 2 kids. No one else. Nothing else. They are the only 2 things keeping my heart beating.
I want my children to be happy and healthy.
I want to succeed at my job.
I want people to see that no matter how tough I act on the outside, I am a complete different person on the inside. HUGE heart. Caring, sensitive. Nothing I wouldn't do for you.
I just want security.
I want when someone stares me in my eyes and promises to be by my side forever, for them to uphold that to the fullest extent, as would I.
I don't want to be lonely.
I don't want to do it by myself anymore.
I want to be happy, content, and loved.
Apparently I just don't deserve it. Or just can't figure out how to keep it.
I live and breathe for my 2 kids. No one else. Nothing else. They are the only 2 things keeping my heart beating.
What am i doing wrong?
My nearly 15 year old son is acting out.
He has autism/asperger syndrome, blah blah blah.
I have always taken 100% care of him, above and beyond.
He is acting out. At home. At school. Everywhere. Except with his "dad".
I have "stepped it up" recently (or at least I thought I had)
More doctor appointments.
More medicine changes.
Now in therapy.
Talking to the school constantly.
He told me tonight I am the reason his life is miserable.
I know he's just a kid. A special kid.
But words can hurt.
I want and need some support with this so bad I can't even stand it.
I feel alone.
It's affecting my job.
It's affecting my marriage.
It's affecting my daughter.
It is affecting ME. bad.very.bad.
In a perfect world, my spouse would be supportive and non-judgemental of me trying deal with my special needs child.
In a perfect world, there would be some type of support for me.
In a perfect world, I could fix Josh. I have always figured things out. Not working for me this time.
And then there's always the ex, my son's sperm donor.
Always positive and helpful telling me how "shitty and pathetic" i am with my mothering skills.
Just the boost i needed.
I feel like a failure at this point in my life more than any other. and that is saying ALOT.
What am I doing wrong............................
He has autism/asperger syndrome, blah blah blah.
I have always taken 100% care of him, above and beyond.
He is acting out. At home. At school. Everywhere. Except with his "dad".
I have "stepped it up" recently (or at least I thought I had)
More doctor appointments.
More medicine changes.
Now in therapy.
Talking to the school constantly.
He told me tonight I am the reason his life is miserable.
I know he's just a kid. A special kid.
But words can hurt.
I want and need some support with this so bad I can't even stand it.
I feel alone.
It's affecting my job.
It's affecting my marriage.
It's affecting my daughter.
It is affecting ME. bad.very.bad.
In a perfect world, my spouse would be supportive and non-judgemental of me trying deal with my special needs child.
In a perfect world, there would be some type of support for me.
In a perfect world, I could fix Josh. I have always figured things out. Not working for me this time.
And then there's always the ex, my son's sperm donor.
Always positive and helpful telling me how "shitty and pathetic" i am with my mothering skills.
Just the boost i needed.
I feel like a failure at this point in my life more than any other. and that is saying ALOT.
What am I doing wrong............................
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