I absolutely HATE frozen bread..........

My baby girl, Marissa, who I like to refer to as "Roo" is a very complex, yet entertaining little 13 year old.
She has ALWAYS been very independent and very inquisitive.
Pretty much from the cut of the cord.
I thought it was normal when she was a toddler to ask alot (so freaking many...) questions.
That's how they learn, right?
So I dealt with alot of "what you doin's?" and "why's" and "how come's?"...
Fast forward to today....13 1/2 years old...still entirely too independent and inquisitive.
Answering a 2 year olds questions does not compare to answering a (way too mature) 13 year old girls questions. Sucks alot of brain power right outta me.
So, as we drove home from my dad's tonight, and as we carried in and unpacked things, and then even after that as she was drowning me in questions, I thought I need to share one of our (too) many conversations. 

ROO: Mom, my teeth are growing! Omg they are huge! do you think they are growing? Mom look, do you think my teeth are getting big??
ME: No.

ROO: OMG! I am getting my hair dyed tomorrow and we haven't decided what color! What should I get?
ME: half black, half white.
ROO: Mom! Serious?
ME: no.
ROO: should i get purple?
ME: no.
ROO: should i get bangs cut or (....not sure what she said after this.....I was zoning....wondering if being deaf would really be that bad...)
ME: umm...idk ...
ROO: mom, seriously, which way?
ME: just cut ur bangs, they can always grow back.


ROO: Mom, do you think I'm weird, and be honest...
ME: yes.

ROO: Do you ever look at me and think, man, I wish I had a "normal" daughter.
ME: yes.
ROO: how often do you think that?
ME: at least twice an hour.

ROO: what year were you captain of cheerleading?
ME: 1963.
ROO: Mom! Seriously....
ME: Sophomore, junior, year...(hell I don't freaking know what year she was even born!! Are you KIDDING ME??)

ROO: can I have a peanut butter sandwich?
ME: Yes.
ROO: do you want one?
ME: no, thank you.
ROO: do you think I will be fat when I am grown up?
ME: yes. (sorry, sometimes i just go for the shock factor with her.....)
ROO: should I use the white or wheat bread.
ME: OMG Marissa, I don't care...... (getting frustrated...slightly)
ROO: no, mom I can't decide you have to tell me!!!
ME: white bread.
ROO: but Moooooommm.....I want wheat.
ME: #)($*&)(@*#&$)(*@&#$)(^#%)(*&Q#@()*$&)(

ROO: You know dad gets lots of bread at a time and freezes it.
ME: good for him.
ROO: how come you don't do that?
ME: I don't like bread after it's been frozen.
ROO: why
ME: because I only like it soft and fresh.
ROO: well, Papa RIchard says it you freeze it standing up and all together than it won't lose it's freshness.
ME: (chuckle chuckle)...good for him.
ROO: why u laugh?
ME: because that's freaking dumb.
ROO: Well that's what he said...
ME: just one thing I do not miss about your dad.
ROO: why you say that?
ME: Because I hate frozen bread.
ROO: Do you think you can tuck me in when I go to bed tonight?
ME: idk...(are you freaking kidding me, that is what I LIVE for?!??!)

Ok, now she has the (stupid) sandwich fixed and she's sitting down....I walk thru the room and guess what??
yep.............questions.............
ROO: hey mom?
ME: what......(this must be why perfectly normal 'moms' become drug addicts...)
ROO: If I took a piece of frozen bread out of the freezer and put it in the toaster how long would it take to cook?
ME: 6 minutes.
ROO: serious?
ME: yes, dead serious.
ROO: for real?
ME: yes, for real.
ROO: where u going?
ME: to the bathroom (for some god damn peace and quiet!!)
ROO: am I getting on ur nerves?
ME: (lieing) no, i have to potty.

......3 minutes into me hiding out in the shitter....
ROO: (knock knock)  hey mom?
ME: yes, marissa....(OMFG R U KIDDING ME!!!)
ROO: I think I'm gonna go to bed, is that ok?
ME: (OK?? I'm bout to pay you for that!!)  Yes, sweetie.
ROO: so r u gonna tuck me in?
ME: yes, I will be there shortly.
ROO: ok. do you love me?
ME: (is it illegal to say NO?)  well, of course I love you....

......go to tuck her in...........
ME: smooch, hug, good night sweet girl....I love you!!!
ROO: smooch, gross mom u touched my boob when you were hugging me!
ME: umm...sorry, shut up, good night and i love you.
ROO: mommmmmmm.............(whiney) don't go away mad.
ME: I'm not. I love you. I hope you sleep well. Do you want your door open or shut?
ROO: ummm....just opened a little crack.
ME: ok, night...(exits the room trying not to do the happy dance til I get out of her view)

.................not even 16 f***ing seconds later..............
ROO: OMG, mom???
ME: (teeth can't clinch any tighter) what marissa?
ROO: I forgot I had to rewrite this rough draft before tomorrow!!
ME: (deep breaths....deep breaths.......oh my god, you have jokes God, don't you....you really seriously think this shit is funny, don't you? you just tryyyyyyyyyyy to push me closer and closer to the edge......)
ROO: MOM!? Did you hear me?
ME: yes, write your paper. don't stay up late. shut ur light off when ur done. have a good night.
ROO: ok, you too. It shouldn't take long.
ME: ok.
ROO: hey, mom??
ME: (oh my holy freaking crap I am going to child abuse you right now and I don't even care if the neighbors hear me!!!) What?!?!?!?!
ROO: are you mad at me?

Ok....really? seirously? and people refer to this "person" living in my house as "mini Maggie" are you FREAKING kidding me??? I'm all about learning and being smart, but um, I need some mother f***ing silence once in awhile!! And people wonder why I'm so damn insane!!! Ok, there it is!! Now you know!!

I AM happy??

I know some of my close friends worry (way too much) about me.
This has been, by far, the toughest year of my life.
That being said, I am in a good place, mentally that is.

I am sick.
I am broke.
I am (somtimes) lonely.

But, strange as it may sound, I'm ok.
I am still recovering financially from my (then) husband leaving.
The financial aspect stresses me quite a bit.
But, aside from that, I am OK.

I have 2 absolutely wonderful children.
I love them.
I have made them my life.
I rarely go out, but I"m ok with that.
I would rather be home, spending time with my kids, or a good book.
The bar scene just isn't my thing.

I have learned to CONSTANTLY concentrate on the positives in my life.

I have learned and changed more in this year than I ever have in my 34 years of life.

I have learned that my friends are MY family.
I could NOT have made it thru this without them.

I am HAPPY.

It's not about you, sir....

So alot has happened over the last 9 months since my husband split.
We still work at the same place.
And so does his girlfriend....his very pregnant girlfriend.
To explain the drama that has transpired at my job would take too long.
So, I will just say that lots of (horrible) things have been said and done.
It has exhausted me.
And through it all, I have (somehow) managed to be the bigger person, and keep my mouth shut. (which has been a HUGE deal for me)
But, as I sat in a very unexpected meeting yesterday with 3 supervisors and my (asshole) husband sitting straight across from me, being yelled at and belittled by the "big boss", I reached my breaking point.
I did not argue. I did not disrespect.  But I had seriously had enough.  My silence was going to be broken.
I left that office in tears, crying ( I mean like full-blown-5-year-old-hyperventilating-crying).
Went to my office.  Gathered lots of paperwork, emails, memo's (thank God I trusted my instincts and wrote all that crap down). I sat and broke down, REALLY broke down.
And then I cleaned up my face, called my best friend (who is more like my sister) and headed back to see the "big boss".
I just wanted to talk. I just wanted him to listen. I talked. I cried. Not a sad cry, but a MAD cry.  I showed every paper, email, memo, everything. Laid it all out there.  And I did it for me.
Now, he is a "man" so, of course he didn't "get it".  He kept making comments like: "Well I know you feel you need to explain yourself".  Or "I know you are worried what I think about you personally and as an employee".  Bottom line: It was not about him.  In fact, I wanted to say "I don't give a shit about what you think of me, sir".  This was for me. And only for me. I had been walked on and ran over so many freaking times in the last year that I had to STAND UP for myself. 

He could have fired me, reprimanded me, done anything....It wasn't about that.  I just needed to break my silence.  I needed to prove that I DID NOT DO THIS and no matter what I DID NOT DESERVE THIS and I wasn't being quiet anymore.

Of course my bestie sitting next to me just gave me strength.  And the fact that she was by my side, and that she, too stood up for me (somehow in the 5 seconds I gave her to get her butt up front she managed to show up armed with HER copies of emails and things too) made me feel like I was ok. 

For the first time in 9 long months at my job I was ok.

I was strong again.

I was me again.

It was such a relief to get 9 months worth of weight lifted off my shoulders.

Now, don't get me wrong, this "man" did not, of course, apologize for the previous meeting and for yelling at me.  But I didn't even expect that. I didn't care if he apologized.  I didn't care what he said or thought.  It wasn't about him, or anyone else this time, it was about me.

Just MAD

Today I found out that my husband filed for divorce yesterday.
and that his new girlfriend is pregnant.
5 1/2 months pregnant.
and she has pics of her and him on fb.
with him wearing the shirt i bought him for christmas last year.
and I am crying.
no, more like bawling..for the last hour.
and I am mad.
mad that my life is falling apart.
mad that he keeps getting all the good stuff.
mad that i couldn't fight back my tears.
mad that i am alone.
mad that i have to look at them at work every day.
mad that karma is taking so f***ing long to hit the 2 of them.
Just MAD.

OPEN HOUSE

It's official.
I'm selling my house.
My HOME.
I have no choice I have to do it.
I hate him for this.
I hate myself for allowing him in my life.
I think that of all the things I"ve lost in my life, this will by far be the hardest to let go.

...try, try again.......

My mom told me the other night, thru tears, that she feels like she has failed me.

My "bestie" told me a couple days before that she feels she has failed me.

It's very hard to look at myself in the mirror knowing that MY own failures in life have caused hurt to some of the people that I care about more than anything in this world.

My husband cheated.
He left.
My life is turmoil.
I have a crappy disease.
My finances are indescribable.
My "family" is selfish.
My kids' so-called father is not there for them.
I am doing it alone.

But none of the hurt from any of these things compares to the hurt of knowing that I am failing the people I love the most.
The people who don't deserve it.
They are what keeps me going.
THEY are my "family".

They don't know it, but every day I wake up to start another day and "try again".......because of "them".

Is this my life?

Do you ever just sit back, take a long, hard look at your life and think:

IS THIS SERIOUSLY MY LIFE?????

I am 33 years old......and am seriously in disbelief that this is what my life has become.

Unfreakingbelievable.................