I AM happy??

I know some of my close friends worry (way too much) about me.
This has been, by far, the toughest year of my life.
That being said, I am in a good place, mentally that is.

I am sick.
I am broke.
I am (somtimes) lonely.

But, strange as it may sound, I'm ok.
I am still recovering financially from my (then) husband leaving.
The financial aspect stresses me quite a bit.
But, aside from that, I am OK.

I have 2 absolutely wonderful children.
I love them.
I have made them my life.
I rarely go out, but I"m ok with that.
I would rather be home, spending time with my kids, or a good book.
The bar scene just isn't my thing.

I have learned to CONSTANTLY concentrate on the positives in my life.

I have learned and changed more in this year than I ever have in my 34 years of life.

I have learned that my friends are MY family.
I could NOT have made it thru this without them.

I am HAPPY.

It's not about you, sir....

So alot has happened over the last 9 months since my husband split.
We still work at the same place.
And so does his girlfriend....his very pregnant girlfriend.
To explain the drama that has transpired at my job would take too long.
So, I will just say that lots of (horrible) things have been said and done.
It has exhausted me.
And through it all, I have (somehow) managed to be the bigger person, and keep my mouth shut. (which has been a HUGE deal for me)
But, as I sat in a very unexpected meeting yesterday with 3 supervisors and my (asshole) husband sitting straight across from me, being yelled at and belittled by the "big boss", I reached my breaking point.
I did not argue. I did not disrespect.  But I had seriously had enough.  My silence was going to be broken.
I left that office in tears, crying ( I mean like full-blown-5-year-old-hyperventilating-crying).
Went to my office.  Gathered lots of paperwork, emails, memo's (thank God I trusted my instincts and wrote all that crap down). I sat and broke down, REALLY broke down.
And then I cleaned up my face, called my best friend (who is more like my sister) and headed back to see the "big boss".
I just wanted to talk. I just wanted him to listen. I talked. I cried. Not a sad cry, but a MAD cry.  I showed every paper, email, memo, everything. Laid it all out there.  And I did it for me.
Now, he is a "man" so, of course he didn't "get it".  He kept making comments like: "Well I know you feel you need to explain yourself".  Or "I know you are worried what I think about you personally and as an employee".  Bottom line: It was not about him.  In fact, I wanted to say "I don't give a shit about what you think of me, sir".  This was for me. And only for me. I had been walked on and ran over so many freaking times in the last year that I had to STAND UP for myself. 

He could have fired me, reprimanded me, done anything....It wasn't about that.  I just needed to break my silence.  I needed to prove that I DID NOT DO THIS and no matter what I DID NOT DESERVE THIS and I wasn't being quiet anymore.

Of course my bestie sitting next to me just gave me strength.  And the fact that she was by my side, and that she, too stood up for me (somehow in the 5 seconds I gave her to get her butt up front she managed to show up armed with HER copies of emails and things too) made me feel like I was ok. 

For the first time in 9 long months at my job I was ok.

I was strong again.

I was me again.

It was such a relief to get 9 months worth of weight lifted off my shoulders.

Now, don't get me wrong, this "man" did not, of course, apologize for the previous meeting and for yelling at me.  But I didn't even expect that. I didn't care if he apologized.  I didn't care what he said or thought.  It wasn't about him, or anyone else this time, it was about me.

Just MAD

Today I found out that my husband filed for divorce yesterday.
and that his new girlfriend is pregnant.
5 1/2 months pregnant.
and she has pics of her and him on fb.
with him wearing the shirt i bought him for christmas last year.
and I am crying.
no, more like bawling..for the last hour.
and I am mad.
mad that my life is falling apart.
mad that he keeps getting all the good stuff.
mad that i couldn't fight back my tears.
mad that i am alone.
mad that i have to look at them at work every day.
mad that karma is taking so f***ing long to hit the 2 of them.
Just MAD.

OPEN HOUSE

It's official.
I'm selling my house.
My HOME.
I have no choice I have to do it.
I hate him for this.
I hate myself for allowing him in my life.
I think that of all the things I"ve lost in my life, this will by far be the hardest to let go.

...try, try again.......

My mom told me the other night, thru tears, that she feels like she has failed me.

My "bestie" told me a couple days before that she feels she has failed me.

It's very hard to look at myself in the mirror knowing that MY own failures in life have caused hurt to some of the people that I care about more than anything in this world.

My husband cheated.
He left.
My life is turmoil.
I have a crappy disease.
My finances are indescribable.
My "family" is selfish.
My kids' so-called father is not there for them.
I am doing it alone.

But none of the hurt from any of these things compares to the hurt of knowing that I am failing the people I love the most.
The people who don't deserve it.
They are what keeps me going.
THEY are my "family".

They don't know it, but every day I wake up to start another day and "try again".......because of "them".

Is this my life?

Do you ever just sit back, take a long, hard look at your life and think:

IS THIS SERIOUSLY MY LIFE?????

I am 33 years old......and am seriously in disbelief that this is what my life has become.

Unfreakingbelievable.................

Corporal Narcissist

I'm sure I will be sorry I told this story
so let me just start by saying, this is about my "husband".
Not the cheating, lieing, heartless, piece of shit that he is,
rather the man I thought I was married to....

One night, shortly after we were married he came in the bedroom while I was reading and said he wanted to give me something.  He held up his "dog tags".  He had been in the Marines for several years.  He went on to tell me that he knows he has been married before, and I was always searching for "first" things to do.  (this was kind of hard since I was wifey #4)  So, he told me he had never ever even THOUGHT of giving his beloved "dog tags" to anyone else. Ever. But he knew that we were soulmates and was not a doubt in his mind that we were going to be together forever.  (that just made me throw-up in my mouth) So, he gave them to me.  Told me to keep them forever, no matter what.  Even if, God forbid, we ever were apart, there were mine. 

I am a total naive dumbass, so of course this meant the world to me.  I wore them around my neck to bed that night.  I had them hanging on my side of the dresser mirror so I could see them everyday and remember what he had said......

The day I finally got sick and tired of all his CRAP being in my house, the day I finally "let go" and realized I could NOT let him back in my life, (this was somewhere between finding out about girl #2 and #3)  I packed all of his belongings.....including the dog tags....and I cried for a long, long, time after I put them in his box.

Yesterday morning I went to work, parked in the same spot I have been parking for nearly 13 years.  As I was walking across the parking lot, I walked right by "her" vehicle.....and as I walked by, the sun was glaring off something on "her" windshield....I looked closer, it was something hanging off of "her" rear view mirror.

It was my "husbands" dog tags.  I felt like I had been punched in the gut.  Like day 1 of him leaving, all over again.  And then I was mad at myself, for even being the slightest bit shocked, or hurt.  But unlike my "husband"  I have a heart.  I, unfortunately have feelings.  My life and marriage to him was not a lie, to me.  I walked in, with my head down, praying quietly to myself that maybe something good would happen thru the day, maybe the skirt of her dress would get caught in the sliding doors and rip it off revealing her braless and pantyless, nasty self......And I would very kindly offer her my socks?  Or maybe I would just offer to call my "husband" to come help her out....