Growing up?

I remember, way too vividly, how hard it was growing up.

I know you've all heard it, but if I could go back and know what I know now.....wow my life would be different.

Now, I am a mother. I am responsible for 2 little lives. It literally scares the sh** out of me when I sit down and think about it.

When they were babies, I could not wait for the milestones. Hurry up and sit, walk, talk (what the f was I thinking??)

Now they are almost 13 and 15. She is going into junior high and he into high school.

I want to trade places. I want to save them. I know what they are going thru and what lies ahead.

Growing up, especially through the teenage years, is, in my opinion, the worst thing to go thru.

I'm not ready to let go. I'm not ready to let them go.

As much as I feel bad for them, I am on a pitty potty for myself. How will I live thru the hormones, the peer pressure, the decisions they make when I am not around.

Josh has Asperger's. Will he actually "grow up"?

Roo is so happy, creative, and smart. I want her to stay that way.

She has goals. She is motivated. I don't want boys, or any other stupid teenage thing, to derail her attention.

I had such a hard time growing up. And I am still growing, every single day. I still make mistakes, I still learn from them every single day. I still have days that I want to be 2 and throw myself on the floor, kicking and screaming. But I am a MOM now. I have these 2 young people depending on me 100%. 

Growing up....yes they are..........way too fast for my liking.......I just want to do a good job. I want to know when they are grown that I can send them into the world with knowledge, morals, and values. I want them to grow up to be happy, healthy, productive, successful people.  If I had to be honest, I don't want them to grow up at all. But that's the circle of life and I have no choice. I just hope and pray that I made their extremely difficult ride of GROWING UP just a little bit easier and a tad more fun :)

Nightmares?

I had a horrible dream last night which i suppose would be called a nightmare.
it woke me up--straight out of bed---drenched in sweat--scared to death.
i dreamt my dad was in an accident while we were following behind him.
his body was thrown into the frozen river.
my husband pulled him out. he was dead.
it was 1:32am when i woke up. i had to get out of bed, try to pull myself together.
it was so real. so real it's as if i actually know what it would feel like for him to die, watching helplessly.
i wanted to call. maybe this was a sign. was he ok? was he sick? maybe he was having heart problems? (he has a bad heart)
i called as soon as i woke up. i asked how he slept. he said horrible.
he said he woke up at 1:30am and couldn't get back to sleep.
he got up, got a drink, and ate cheese and crackers.
i could've called, he was up at the exact same time i was.
this dream, this feeling of not having my dad, my friend, my kids' friend and grandfather has ached inside of me all day long.  i was never able to shake it.
why did i dream this? what was it a sign of?
his grumbling tummy?
i just know how good it felt to hear his voice answer the phone this morning.
i hope he sleeps well tonight. i hope he knows how much he means to me.
i hope he knows my life would be a nightmare without him in it.
(i love you, dad)

My favorite things.....

Yes i'm copying off my bestest buddy's blog.
i'm going to name some of my "pet peeves"
so i thought i would mention some of my favorite things so it wouldn't look like all i do is complain :)

Dear Starbucks,

I LOVE your mocha frapuccino with my entire heart.
and with every single teeny tiny taste bud in my mouth.
my mouth thanks you.
my thighs hate you.
please dont ever leave me.

Love, a very caffeinated me :)

Follow me?

How come no one follows my blog?
Am I just boring?
I have a stat counter so I know SOMEONE is reading my blog-but I only have 4 followers, and 2 of them are the same person :(
Is it not funny? Not interesting?
You can tell me, I'm a big girl, I can take it.
Any advice on why my blog is such a "non-follower" would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks in advance.

Lonely blogger.......

broken

i speak
you don't hear me

i cry
you don't see my tears

i worry
you don't reassure me

i grieve
you don't console me

i lean
you don't hold me

i hurt
you don't make me feel better

i am scared
you don't care

i fall
you don't catch me

i break
you don't try to fix me.

Wedding Ring

Today my hubby and i went shopping for wedding rings.
You see, mine had an "unfortunate accident" and I haven't had it for a few months.
So, we go to several different places.
I'm not a shopper, I'm nearly shopped out.
We go to the mall.
My husband goes to Kay's Jewelry.
I wasn't expecting this, it caught me off guard.
We look and look and I'm thinking: how beautiful.....too much money....but they're all so gorgeous....
I narrow it down to 5....4....3....2.
I try them on, look at them under the bright lights, out under the sky light.
They are so gorgeous.
Too much money.
But we are just looking.
Maybe he will surprise me with a ring similar to these one day.
He picks which one he likes better, luckily it was the one I liked the most.
It was so hard to choose. Hundreds of unbelievably gorgeous rings.
But I'm just choosing for my "wish list".
We are just "looking".
..........and I found  the PERFECT one.

Although this ring is awesome, gorgeous, perfect....
I don't deserve it.
I don't deserve my husband, either.
He is the bright spot in my day.
He gives me something to look forward to when I wake up.
He loves me.
He doesn't judge me.
I don't deserve him, or the ring.
But he bought it for me.
I cannot believe he bought me this unbelievably perfect, absolutely precious ring.
I know he knows I'm happy, but he will never know how happy I am today.
This ring may not be my original, but it still means alot to me.
He said it was because I deserved it.
That meant the world to me.
It wasn't the size or the price.
I simply wanted a ring on my finger because I am so proud to be married to this man.
And now I have the perfect, gorgeous WEDDING RING to represent my perfect, gorgeous HUSBAND.
It represents our marriage, going thru rough times, but learning and growing with each step.
Our marriage gets better every day.
Our bond grows stronger each day.
I love him more each day.
I am so blessed.
Thank you baby.  You are the best.

Me and my bright ideas...

So I have ideas all the time, but try to keep them to myself.
This time I didn't.
I thought I would explain what I plan to do.
About once a week or so, my best friend, my daughter and myself are going to write a blog.
We are going to take turns thinking of the name of a title and that's it.
We all have to write our own blog, w/out reading the other's until we are done.
So, just a warning that it starts tonight.
Hope you enjoy, I know we will.  :)