OPEN HOUSE

It's official.
I'm selling my house.
My HOME.
I have no choice I have to do it.
I hate him for this.
I hate myself for allowing him in my life.
I think that of all the things I"ve lost in my life, this will by far be the hardest to let go.

...try, try again.......

My mom told me the other night, thru tears, that she feels like she has failed me.

My "bestie" told me a couple days before that she feels she has failed me.

It's very hard to look at myself in the mirror knowing that MY own failures in life have caused hurt to some of the people that I care about more than anything in this world.

My husband cheated.
He left.
My life is turmoil.
I have a crappy disease.
My finances are indescribable.
My "family" is selfish.
My kids' so-called father is not there for them.
I am doing it alone.

But none of the hurt from any of these things compares to the hurt of knowing that I am failing the people I love the most.
The people who don't deserve it.
They are what keeps me going.
THEY are my "family".

They don't know it, but every day I wake up to start another day and "try again".......because of "them".

Is this my life?

Do you ever just sit back, take a long, hard look at your life and think:

IS THIS SERIOUSLY MY LIFE?????

I am 33 years old......and am seriously in disbelief that this is what my life has become.

Unfreakingbelievable.................

Corporal Narcissist

I'm sure I will be sorry I told this story
so let me just start by saying, this is about my "husband".
Not the cheating, lieing, heartless, piece of shit that he is,
rather the man I thought I was married to....

One night, shortly after we were married he came in the bedroom while I was reading and said he wanted to give me something.  He held up his "dog tags".  He had been in the Marines for several years.  He went on to tell me that he knows he has been married before, and I was always searching for "first" things to do.  (this was kind of hard since I was wifey #4)  So, he told me he had never ever even THOUGHT of giving his beloved "dog tags" to anyone else. Ever. But he knew that we were soulmates and was not a doubt in his mind that we were going to be together forever.  (that just made me throw-up in my mouth) So, he gave them to me.  Told me to keep them forever, no matter what.  Even if, God forbid, we ever were apart, there were mine. 

I am a total naive dumbass, so of course this meant the world to me.  I wore them around my neck to bed that night.  I had them hanging on my side of the dresser mirror so I could see them everyday and remember what he had said......

The day I finally got sick and tired of all his CRAP being in my house, the day I finally "let go" and realized I could NOT let him back in my life, (this was somewhere between finding out about girl #2 and #3)  I packed all of his belongings.....including the dog tags....and I cried for a long, long, time after I put them in his box.

Yesterday morning I went to work, parked in the same spot I have been parking for nearly 13 years.  As I was walking across the parking lot, I walked right by "her" vehicle.....and as I walked by, the sun was glaring off something on "her" windshield....I looked closer, it was something hanging off of "her" rear view mirror.

It was my "husbands" dog tags.  I felt like I had been punched in the gut.  Like day 1 of him leaving, all over again.  And then I was mad at myself, for even being the slightest bit shocked, or hurt.  But unlike my "husband"  I have a heart.  I, unfortunately have feelings.  My life and marriage to him was not a lie, to me.  I walked in, with my head down, praying quietly to myself that maybe something good would happen thru the day, maybe the skirt of her dress would get caught in the sliding doors and rip it off revealing her braless and pantyless, nasty self......And I would very kindly offer her my socks?  Or maybe I would just offer to call my "husband" to come help her out....

What I've learned this week

I have learned alot this week just trying to live life. 
Here are a few of my lessons learned:

1.  I am SICK of the rain.
2.  There are actually still a few good people left in the world.
3.  I am not nearly as excited about home renovations as I used to be.
4.  A long, hot shower can fix most everything....besides my checkbook.
5.  Psych drugs are a MIRACLE.
6.  Pecan pie blizzard ice cream cake from DQ is HEAVEN.
7.  The "dr's solution" to retaining fluid is to drink more water.  ?????
8.  Much of my internalized anger comes from women having babies and not being a MOTHER.
9.  I have missed late night heart-to-hearts with my dad more than I realized.
10.  The most important thing I learned this week:  DO NOT take sleeping pills and laxative pills in the same night.......(seriously)

Recipes.....

So I have like 6,000 recipes (I may be exagerrating a bit) that are all written on....pretty much anything and everything. 
post-it-notes
envelopes
bills
napkins
a birthday card (sorry mom)

You name it, if it's able to be written on, it's probably stuffed inside one of my cook books.
But, now my cookbooks are stuffed disturbingly full.
And now I have a stack...maybe a pile, of "recipes".

I always get sidetracked looking for a recipe (which takes for EVER in my unorganized mess anyways).
See, some of these are insanely old.  I have the recipe for potato salad, sloppily written on the back of a grocery list.  I can still remember talking to my mom on the phone, writing it down.  It was when I was with my kids' dad, before we were married.  (side note: I also remember we had company over for a bbq that night and they teased me about my "smashed potatoe salad"....yeah, over cooked the tators just a bit)  I can't remember what the heck I did yesterday, but I can pour over these recipes reminiscing about who I got them from and who I fixed it for and how many times it took me to perfect it.

I need my very creative friend to help me think of something to do with them....I'm sure she can come up with some thrifty idea with all the thrifty shopping she's been doing... :)

3 months........

It's been over 3 months since he left.
I thought I would be better.
I thought I would pull it all together by now.
But, instead, I sit and watch as my life falls apart, piece by piece.....

I have books I was so excited to read....
i dont read them
I have a blog I was so excited to write in......
i dont blog
I have new recipes I couldn't wait to try.....
i dont even cook
I was saving money for things I was excited to buy.....
i have no money now

My son hates me.
My daughter is lost without me.
My family is clueless as to what I'm going thru.
I'm losing or on the verge of losing the things I worked so hard for.
I am sad......lonely.........and tired.

I have learned that the only thing worse than being lonely, is being lonely while you watch your husband and his new girlfriend, together, happy, at my job..........

I just want my life back.
I want to read.
I want to blog.
I want to cook.
I want to spend time with my kids. Happy times.
I want my tears to stop and to just be able to breath......
I want to stop struggling. And starting over.

I want the darkness to go away and the sun to come back out.