Growing up?

I remember, way too vividly, how hard it was growing up.

I know you've all heard it, but if I could go back and know what I know now.....wow my life would be different.

Now, I am a mother. I am responsible for 2 little lives. It literally scares the sh** out of me when I sit down and think about it.

When they were babies, I could not wait for the milestones. Hurry up and sit, walk, talk (what the f was I thinking??)

Now they are almost 13 and 15. She is going into junior high and he into high school.

I want to trade places. I want to save them. I know what they are going thru and what lies ahead.

Growing up, especially through the teenage years, is, in my opinion, the worst thing to go thru.

I'm not ready to let go. I'm not ready to let them go.

As much as I feel bad for them, I am on a pitty potty for myself. How will I live thru the hormones, the peer pressure, the decisions they make when I am not around.

Josh has Asperger's. Will he actually "grow up"?

Roo is so happy, creative, and smart. I want her to stay that way.

She has goals. She is motivated. I don't want boys, or any other stupid teenage thing, to derail her attention.

I had such a hard time growing up. And I am still growing, every single day. I still make mistakes, I still learn from them every single day. I still have days that I want to be 2 and throw myself on the floor, kicking and screaming. But I am a MOM now. I have these 2 young people depending on me 100%. 

Growing up....yes they are..........way too fast for my liking.......I just want to do a good job. I want to know when they are grown that I can send them into the world with knowledge, morals, and values. I want them to grow up to be happy, healthy, productive, successful people.  If I had to be honest, I don't want them to grow up at all. But that's the circle of life and I have no choice. I just hope and pray that I made their extremely difficult ride of GROWING UP just a little bit easier and a tad more fun :)

Nightmares?

I had a horrible dream last night which i suppose would be called a nightmare.
it woke me up--straight out of bed---drenched in sweat--scared to death.
i dreamt my dad was in an accident while we were following behind him.
his body was thrown into the frozen river.
my husband pulled him out. he was dead.
it was 1:32am when i woke up. i had to get out of bed, try to pull myself together.
it was so real. so real it's as if i actually know what it would feel like for him to die, watching helplessly.
i wanted to call. maybe this was a sign. was he ok? was he sick? maybe he was having heart problems? (he has a bad heart)
i called as soon as i woke up. i asked how he slept. he said horrible.
he said he woke up at 1:30am and couldn't get back to sleep.
he got up, got a drink, and ate cheese and crackers.
i could've called, he was up at the exact same time i was.
this dream, this feeling of not having my dad, my friend, my kids' friend and grandfather has ached inside of me all day long.  i was never able to shake it.
why did i dream this? what was it a sign of?
his grumbling tummy?
i just know how good it felt to hear his voice answer the phone this morning.
i hope he sleeps well tonight. i hope he knows how much he means to me.
i hope he knows my life would be a nightmare without him in it.
(i love you, dad)

My favorite things.....

Yes i'm copying off my bestest buddy's blog.
i'm going to name some of my "pet peeves"
so i thought i would mention some of my favorite things so it wouldn't look like all i do is complain :)

Dear Starbucks,

I LOVE your mocha frapuccino with my entire heart.
and with every single teeny tiny taste bud in my mouth.
my mouth thanks you.
my thighs hate you.
please dont ever leave me.

Love, a very caffeinated me :)

Follow me?

How come no one follows my blog?
Am I just boring?
I have a stat counter so I know SOMEONE is reading my blog-but I only have 4 followers, and 2 of them are the same person :(
Is it not funny? Not interesting?
You can tell me, I'm a big girl, I can take it.
Any advice on why my blog is such a "non-follower" would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks in advance.

Lonely blogger.......

broken

i speak
you don't hear me

i cry
you don't see my tears

i worry
you don't reassure me

i grieve
you don't console me

i lean
you don't hold me

i hurt
you don't make me feel better

i am scared
you don't care

i fall
you don't catch me

i break
you don't try to fix me.

Wedding Ring

Today my hubby and i went shopping for wedding rings.
You see, mine had an "unfortunate accident" and I haven't had it for a few months.
So, we go to several different places.
I'm not a shopper, I'm nearly shopped out.
We go to the mall.
My husband goes to Kay's Jewelry.
I wasn't expecting this, it caught me off guard.
We look and look and I'm thinking: how beautiful.....too much money....but they're all so gorgeous....
I narrow it down to 5....4....3....2.
I try them on, look at them under the bright lights, out under the sky light.
They are so gorgeous.
Too much money.
But we are just looking.
Maybe he will surprise me with a ring similar to these one day.
He picks which one he likes better, luckily it was the one I liked the most.
It was so hard to choose. Hundreds of unbelievably gorgeous rings.
But I'm just choosing for my "wish list".
We are just "looking".
..........and I found  the PERFECT one.

Although this ring is awesome, gorgeous, perfect....
I don't deserve it.
I don't deserve my husband, either.
He is the bright spot in my day.
He gives me something to look forward to when I wake up.
He loves me.
He doesn't judge me.
I don't deserve him, or the ring.
But he bought it for me.
I cannot believe he bought me this unbelievably perfect, absolutely precious ring.
I know he knows I'm happy, but he will never know how happy I am today.
This ring may not be my original, but it still means alot to me.
He said it was because I deserved it.
That meant the world to me.
It wasn't the size or the price.
I simply wanted a ring on my finger because I am so proud to be married to this man.
And now I have the perfect, gorgeous WEDDING RING to represent my perfect, gorgeous HUSBAND.
It represents our marriage, going thru rough times, but learning and growing with each step.
Our marriage gets better every day.
Our bond grows stronger each day.
I love him more each day.
I am so blessed.
Thank you baby.  You are the best.

Me and my bright ideas...

So I have ideas all the time, but try to keep them to myself.
This time I didn't.
I thought I would explain what I plan to do.
About once a week or so, my best friend, my daughter and myself are going to write a blog.
We are going to take turns thinking of the name of a title and that's it.
We all have to write our own blog, w/out reading the other's until we are done.
So, just a warning that it starts tonight.
Hope you enjoy, I know we will.  :)

Do I?

Ok, so last night shopping and I found this ring.
A little out of my price range.
But, guess what? It's on sale.
I mean, like 60% off sale!
I keep alluding to the fact that I want this ring.
It's not expensive, by any means.
But, the hubby says no. Not now.
After pouting, coming home, looking it up online....
I see the sale is over TODAY.
So, I'm thinking I'm going to go and get it today.
Period. End of story.
It's my money too. I can do what I want, right?
I love this ring, but don't know if it's worth a fight.
So, the question is, do I let it go?
Or do I buy it?

My LIFE

Today i am sad
not sure why
i should be glad
instead i want to cry.

I love my family so much
all i want is for them to be happy
when things get screwed up
it makes me feel crappy.

So many things to do
so much on my plate
i often feel neglected, too
things are too busy, i must wait.

So much to take care of
marriage, finance, work, & kids
money seems to quickly run out
makes me wonder what the point is.

Laundry, dishes, meals to cook
same stuff day after day
all i want is to read my book
but i can't seem to stay awake.

Everyone has bad days
no need to sit and pout
tomorrow will be better, i say
no need to argue or shout.

No matter how much effort it takes
my goal is to be a good mom and wife
and no matter what happens today
i am blessed and i love MY LIFE.

WISH LIST

I guess because of the holidays and the new year, it's got me thinking alot about things I'd like to have.
So I have decided to post my "wish list" that I generally keep to myself.
These are things that are "wishes".
Which means the chances of me getting them are slim to none.
 I wish I had:

     1. New socks. You know, ones that don't have holes in them.

     2.  A new baster. Like for turkeys. The one I was using was my mom's from like 600 years ago and,
          lets just say, I had to trash it.

     3.  A Kindle. If you don't know what this is, I suggest you look on Amazon.com. If you like to read, like I
          do, this thing is the BOMB!

     4.  I would like a starbucks store right here in this rinky, dinky town. I could have fresh, yummy coffee
           and  frappuccino's anytime I wanted.

     5.  I would like a very high efficiency washer and dryer. I feel like I live in the laundry room. My husband
          says we will never have separate bedrooms but he doesn't realize, we already do, mine is in the  
          laundry room, though.

     6.  I would like for my kids to be cute, little babies again.  This whole teenager thing is not working for   
          me.

      7. I would like a "bathroom fairy". You know, she could fly around the bathrrom and each time a boy
          leaves she could hang up the towel, wipe out the toothpaste, put the toilet seat down, etc. I anticipate 
          this to  make my life MUCH easier.

      8. I would like a few extra rooms in my house.  Just refer to number 6 for my reasons.

      9. I would like my husband to quit breathing............SO LOUDLY.

    10. I would like a brand spanking new pair of NIKE Shox. (instead of Marissa's hand-me-downs)

So everyone keep their fingers crossed for me and my wish list! Fat chance I'm ever getting any of these things but, hey, can't a girl dream?  :)

Barbie

My wonderful husband has a pet name for me:  BARBIE
Although flattering, it makes no sense to me at all.
I have never seen a barbie with:
     bown hair (with grey roots of course)
     green eyes
     wrinkles
     stretch marks
     a huge butt
     5 foot 4 inches
     a little extra in the tummy
     ok, alot extra in the tummy
     and in the arms
     and the thighs
     ok, pretty much a little extra everywhere
     small, deflated, a little lower than they were, kahoonas. (I apologize if u just got a visual)
    

So, my friends and I were discussing this on fb and we decided that a doll  like this should be invented.

I don't really know who the heck would buy such a thing.
And I would hate to traumatize little girls around the world.
Heck, they would be our last generation, as that would be like permanent birth control!

So, to my husband, I have NO CLUE why you often refer to me as Barbie.
But I've stopped questioning it everytime you say it.
Now I just pretend I do look like her.
And I feel my self esteem rising.
Until I glance in the mirror as I'm getting in the shower.

    

Dirty Laundry

It is a tradition that I have always done.
Every year I get the kids an ornament for Christmas.
I try to get something they did or enjoyed during that year.
It is so much fun to decorate the tree each year and see all the memories.
This year Joshua got a lawn mower. (Brian taught him how to mow)
Marissa got Hoops & Yo Yo (because she loves those cards & it was silly, like her)
Ian got Ben Ten (because he loves him, this year)
And I got.....................

Yep, that is a washing machine. 
You see, I spend more time in the laundry room than anywhere.
3 kids, me and Brian, there's a ton of laundry.
This is pretty much most of my spare time.
It's sad, but funny, at the same time.
This is my memory of this year.
Dirty Laundry.

Something to think about....

My bestest, dearest friend sent something to me today. 
I love her.
I love that she always thinks about me.
I love her values.
I love her morals.
I love that she makes her marriage a priority.
I love things like this that encourage you to focus on the positives in your life.
Words that make you stop and appreciate those you have.
I am so glad I have "Kristian" in my life.
I probably would have never gotten married again, and definitely wouldn't still be married if it weren't for her and her friendship.
So I will share this great advice:

*One day a woman's husband died, and on that clear, cold morning, in the warmth of their bedroom, the wife was struck with the pain of learning that sometimes there isn't "anymore". No more hugs, no more special moments to celebrate together, no more phone calls just to chat, no more "just one minute." Sometimes, what we care about the most gets all used up and goes away, never to return before we can say good-bye, say "I love you."*


*So while we have it, it's best we love it, care for it, fix it when it's broken and heal it when it's sick. This is true for marriage......And old cars..... And children with bad report cards, and dogs with bad hips, and aging parents and grandparents. We keep them because they are worth it, because we are worth it.*

One request

Dear Winter,

I realize "hate" is not a good word.
So I will say I very strongly dislike you.
I am tired of the cold.
I am tired of the snow.
PLEASE go away, and VERY soon.
Thanks, in advance.

Too much sickness.

Ok, so I get a call at work today from the school nurse, Marissa is sick.
I go pick her up, get her home, in her jammies, puke bucket in tow.

She starts getting sick, meanwhile the phone rings.
It's the school.
Ian is sick. Feels like he's gonna throw up.

OMG are you freaking kidding me? As if one sick kid isn't enough, now I got 2!! SERIOUSLY???

I was tempted to call the other school from my cell to see if I needed to just pick up Josh while I was out.

I can handle most anything, but the puke bothers me a bit.

This is just TOO MUCH right now. Holy cow. :(

My Cheerleader

There is so much to say about my daughter, Marissa, (A.K.A. Roo) I don't even know where to start.
So I'll start at the beginning.
Marissa was my 2nd child, my baby.
She came early and even tho they tried to stop my labor, she insisted.
Little did I know that this was a sign of what was to come.
Marissa is very complex and was very difficult as a baby and toddler.
She had colic

She cried for hours, and I am not exagerrating.

I learned very early that I had met my match with her.

She was very independent and strong willed.
I thought she was in the "terrible two's".
I'm telling ya, this was the kid you see in the store throwing herself on the floor kicking and screaming.
I remember on her 3rd birthday I sit there, exhausted as always, thinking:
She's 3 today so the "terrible two's" are going to end.....soon..........right??
Nope.
We had the terrible 4's, the terrible 5's, etc....
I am happy to report she is 12 1/2 now and I could not ask for a better daughter.
Sometimes it is hard to keep the role of "mom" in mind, as she often seems like my best friend.
She is very motherly.
You would never know she is the "little sister" as she is always taking care of her older brother.
He has Autism/Asperger Syndrome and she helps me more than I ever imagined.
When I am gone, she is in charge.
She cooks, she pours chocolate milk, she keeps him safe.
She also takes very good care of her step brother, Ian.
Marissa has the best laugh and smile you could ever imagine.
She is so beautiful and when she smiles it melts my heart.
She has the absolute funniest laugh.
I am constantly doing/saying things to make her laugh, just so I can see her wide-mouthed cackle.
Love it.
She has loved cheerleading since I can even remember.
She used to look at my high school pic's and tell me: Mommy I am going to be a cheerleader just like you were.
And she is. She has been doing it ever since.
I always thought she was pretty good at it, but thought maybe I was just being "mom prejudiced".
She started taking cheerleading at dance class.
Her first recital as a cheerleader, the teacher came up and talked to me.
She said, "She is VERY good".
I asked, "do you think she will be good enough to make the squad in high school?"
She replied: "Are you kidding me, I'm not just telling you that, she is the best in my entire class".
And it was a BIG class.
I teared up I was so proud.
Marissa is so smart, literally.
She makes all A's. Only one B in her life, so far.
She has held a 4.0 grade average all year. So proud.
She is extremely creative, and i have no idea where she gets this from.
She draws, paints, scrapbooks, you name it, and she's always good at it.
We laugh so much together.
We sing and dance in the car, alone, together.
We change the words of songs to something silly.
We cook together.
We shop together.
I try to do all the things with MY daughter that I always wanted.
It makes me feel better.
It heals my wounds, slowly, from the sadness of my mom being so far away.
We talk about girl stuff.
I don't think she tells me everything, but she tells me alot.
I'm sure she doesn't realize it, but all of those "secret" conversations mean more to me than she'll ever know.
She is a blond. Sometimes an air head.
She doesn't pay attention.
She runs into things. (and usually cracks herself up)
She is a germ-a-phobe like me.
She must have things a certain way, all the time.
She is a perfectionist, and this makes me worry, as life isn't always going to allow things to be perfect.
She has big dreams of going to college and making something great out of her life.
There is no doubt in my mind that she will.
I could not possibly imagine my life without my Roo.
If I cry, she cries.
If I laugh, she laughs.
If I worry, she worries.

My daughter.

She is loving.
She is kind.
She is caring.
She is hilarious.
She is smart.
She is independent.
She is beautiful.
She is encouraging.
She is My Cheerleader.

Resolutions.......ughhh

So it's a new year.
You know what that means: resolutions.

So I have 2 this year:
1. To be a better wife & make my marriage my priority.
2. To get my finances in line & more organized.

So, it looks like I will be getting a 2nd job to assist with both of my resolutions.
If you don't hear from me, now you will know why.

Happy New Year!

My Announcer

Wow, there is so much to say about my son, Joshua.
He was my first born.

I knew he was special from the moment I laid eyes on his little 5lb self.
Joshua was the best baby you could have.
He was loving, sweet, kind, and very smart.
When Josh was 3 he was diagnosed with Autism.
He was later diagnosed with, more specifically, Asperger's Syndrome.
Joshua struggles just to get thru every single day.
You see, to Joshua the world is very "black and white".
He has alot of "social issues", which is a part of Asperger's Syndrome.
He has trouble making friends.
His mind isn't keeping up with his growing body.
He looks like a 14 1/2 year old on the outside.
But is much like a 5 or 6 year old on the inside.
Most Autistic kids get obsessed with something and revolve their life around it.
Joshua's obsession is Nascar and has been as long as I can remember.
He can't remember how to tie his shoes.
But he can tell you every driver, their #, their sponsor.
He can tell you racing facts that date back, before he was born, to the beginning of racing.
There is no racing trivia question he has ever been asked that he did not know the answer to.
It's amazing. And annoying, at times.
Joshua is scared of most things.
He is very worried about getting hurt, his sensory's feel things about 10 times what we would feel them.
So, if he gets a paper cut, you would think by his reaction he needed his finger amputated.
Seriously.
He loves the weather, constantly keeping an eye on the weather channel.
He has spent alot of time worrying about a "natural disaster" taking us all out.
"Mom, don't you worry that we will have a Tsunami here?"
"How do u guys sleep at night not knowing if we will all be wiped out from a Tornado??"
Yes, he has filled my life with lots of crazy questions.
And you can't blow him off, you have to sit down and explain why we are NOT going to have a Tsunami in Missouri.  :)
With him being scared of everything, he is too scared to ride or drive in a Nascar.
So he has decided he is going to be an "announcer".
You know, like the ones you see announcing the races on tv.
I gotta tell ya, he would make a great one.
He has a table/racetrack my dad built him several years ago.
He spends the majority of his day in his room, alone, driving those cars around that track and "announcing".
He is unbelievably good at it.
I ask him, if you're too afraid to fly, and you say you never want to drive, how will you get to all these races?
He looks at me stupidly and says, "well you're going to drive me, Mom".
Ok, seriously....is this how I'm going to spend my retirement?
The last couple years have been extremely hard on Josh and myself.
He is in the Jr high/high school now and he hates it.
He tells me everyday how much he hates it.
He cries alot. He is depressed.
He tells me no one likes him, no one will talk to him because he's "different".
I would have to say the absolute worst feeling in the world is seeing your own child go thru the things he has went thru in the last couple of years.
The kids know he's different now.
So, instead of trying to help him, they tease and bully him.
I try to build up his self confidence.
I tell him, just ignore them because one day they will be jealous when they see you on tv announcing races.
He has been asking alot of questions to me lately about what's wrong with him and why he's "different".
This is hard. He is figuring out he's not the same as the other kids.
He doesn't understand why or how he was dealt these cards.
And neither do I.
The first time we ever visited the woman that would become his official "Autism Doctor" for the next several years she gave me the best advice I would ever receive:
She said I was beginning a battle, the biggest battle I would ever see in my life.  I was Joshua's warrior. He cannot fight for himself, so you have to fight the battle for him.  Cry, be sad, get your grieving and pity over with now.  Then, pull yourself up, put your big girl panties on and fight for your child.  Because he cannot fight this battle alone.  Your will to fight for him will determine the rest of his life.
.............and that is exactly what I DID and have DONE ever since.
There is nothing in this world I would not do to protect him.
He is my son.
He is my first born.
He is the sunshine in my day.
He is special because God chose him to be.
He is MY ANNOUNCER.

I Miss You :(

It was a stupid, careless mistake that was made. (by my husband, of course)
And my beautiful, gorgeous, stunning wedding ring set was GONE.

He proposed to me with the engagement ring.
He put the band on my finger the day we got married.
I loved that ring.
He picked it out all by himself, which made it even more special.
It was PERFECT.

Now it is gone......Forever.........And I miss it like crazy.

And I wonder, does it make me "vain" because I want another SO bad?

This is one loss I don't think I will ever get over.

I think I need grief counseling.